The Lesser Resolutions…

We’ve all done it. We’ve all sat and had a good hard think about our plans and our dreams for the coming twelve months and committed loudly and publicly to a bunch of grandiose gestures which, upon the stroke of midnight at the end of December 31st, become legally binding. Anyone who breaks these resolutions shall of course be publicly flogged with a Munster rugby player’s dirty jockstrap and run out of town. Or something.

However, every year the general public neglects the things which make the world tick over a little easier. Sure, it’s a great idea to want to get fit, quit smoking, save money, kick out that good-for-nothing spouse or whatever, but what about the little cogs in the wheels of your world that need just as much attention as the big ideas? I’m talking about The Lesser Resolutions. The minor little commitments that you can make to yourself that may just be the difference between a good night’s sleep and reaching for the nearest automatic weapon next time someone pisses you off. Here are some of mine:

  1. To stack the cutlery in the dishwasher in the correct fashion, storing them by category. Knives stick together. It’s the way of the world.
  2. To match all those annoying little wool belts with the cardigans they were bought with. That high-pitched sound you hear in your ears at night after a loud gig? That’s the heartbreaking cry of The Lost Belts. You can fix this.
  3. To master liquid eyeliner. I own the pen. The pen does not own me. I’m not scared. Nope…
  4. To limit my Onesie use to once a week to ensure maximum human interaction.
  5. To have my ‘going out socks’ to ‘slipper socks’ ratio exceed 3:1; for reasons aforementioned in #4.
  6. To not lose my temper with inanimate objects…as much as I do normally.
  7. To finish a chocolate bar on the day of purchase.
  8. To watch ‘Withnail and I’ in its entirety in a single sitting. I’m tired of trying to piece it together since I first saw it in 1994.
  9. To find more reasons to apply quotes from The Simpsons to daily life. Old school ones, obviously.
  10. To finish The Wire.

See? They may not be mighty, but trust me, they’ll save a lot of lives in the long run. Remember folks, Lesser Resolutions are for life, not just New Year’s Eve. They’re the cogs in the machine of your sanity. Ignore them at your peril. Get cracking.

Happy New Year!

When Kildimo became South Central…

Sunday Mass started to look a bit different in the village...

The peaceful rural idyll has been shattered. Children are being dragged back indoors by frantic mothers. Urban life has descended upon Kildimo. The reason?

A car alarm is going off.

This is MOST irregular. Next there’ll be gunshots, police sirens and crack whores peddling their wares outside the local GAA pitch. Ross Kemp will be filming a hard-hitting documentary from the corner of Slattery’s pub about the deadly rivalry between the U14 and U16 hurling teams. Rappers and gritty hip-hop artists will film music videos here just to prove how hard they are. HBO will commission an extra season of The Wire to be filmed almost entirely outside Kildimo Post Office and the local garage. Brothers and sons will be divided in bitter gang wars while constantly living in fear that their tractor might get ‘jacked for its hubcaps, while bloodied bodies litter the streets, victims cut down in the prime of life simply for wearing the wrong colour overalls in the wrong side of the village. Nothing but crime, catastrophe and carnage awaits us now.

Still, it’ll be nice to have a bit of life in the place…