Brain: “How are you Jen?? Been a while since we talked…”
Me: “The grandest. Apart from the nagging feeling that we are all essentially just lumps of carbon and water in varying shapes and sizes, bestowed with a limited number of days on this giant ball of crap. We struggle daily to engage – and compete with – other carbony watery lumps to leave some sort of lasting print on this pissy little planet before we all evaporate into an abyss of nothingness. We are forgotten in a miniscule amount of time relative to the existence of everything ever, only to be replaced by other lumps pretty much the same as us. And so it shall go on, ad infinitum. Hope, love, happiness…these are all man-made constructs designed by those above who seek control to keep us from destroying ourselves within seconds of becoming self-aware. For fear that we would gain even the smallest fraction of understanding that at the heart of it all, in the grand scheme of things, we, and all that we believe to be connected to us, are nothing.”
Brain: “Left the phone at home again did we?”
Me: “IT’S LIKE I HAVE NO HANDS…”
We’re all in this together… *sniff*
Brain: STOP WRITING.
Me: Why? What now?
Brain: Check your Facebook.
Me: I just did, five minutes ago. Leave me alone. I’ve things to do.
Brain: Five minutes? FIVE MINUTES? That’s seven years in facebook time. You could have missed so much! Any longer and you’ll be like Rip Van Winkle, wandering around your page, asking what a meme is, not knowing what Guardian articles are trending…not having a notion what music video to put up on your page to seem cool and down with the kids any more… think of all the ‘likes’ you could have gotten in that time…
Me: You know YOU’RE the reason I’m not published right now, right??
Brain: ALL THE ‘LIKES’…..
Brain: “Stop yawning.”
Me: “Stop making me yawn.”
Brain: “Dunno what you’re talking about. I’m busy trying to name the Best Supporting Actor Oscar winners for the last fifteen years.”
Me: “That’s what’s making me yawn! I’ll be asleep in minutes as this rate. I’m off to bed.”
Brain. “I just want you to get a good night’s sleep. It’s good for both of us.”
Me:. “Good. I’ve a really long busy week ahead, I need all my rest. Well, goodnight so.”
Brain: “Okay, nighty night. Sleep well.”
Me: “Really? That’s it? No fight?”
Brain: “Nope. Like you said, you need your sleep. I’m good like that sometimes.”
Me: “Great! Well, talk to you in the morning so..”
Brain: “Will do.”
Brain: Just try not to think about that bathroom scene from The Grudge.
Me: I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
You’re welcome. Each and every one of you.
Brain: “Remember that bit in Friends?”
Me: “That narrows it down, cheers. I hate you.”
Brain: “The bit where Jon Lovitz shows up at Monica’s apartment stoned out of his tree. Hilarious. I think I’ll play that on a loop for the next couple of hours.”
Me: “I’m off to stick my head in the microwave.”
Brain: “It’s HILARIOUS. Look, he’s throwing cereal around and laughing at the word ‘tartlets’. Genius. I’ve to watch it again.”
Me: “Why are you doing this? It’s 4.56am. That’s not even a real time. Nobody does anything at that time. Except fucking SLEEP. Or play Call of Duty.”
Brain: “You gave me four cans of Red Bull last night. YOU TELL ME, GENIUS. Oh, look, he said ‘tartlets’ again. I’m weak!!”
Brain: “Count yourself lucky I’m not looping drum n’ bass with Japanese speed metal right now….hee hee hee…TARTLETS!!”
Brain: “Alarm’s gone off.”
Brain: “Seriously. It went off like two minutes ago. You need to get up.”
Me: “I know you speak English, because you’re essentially me. So I’ll say it again. Shurrup. I’ve hit the snooze button.”
Brain: “Get up. You’re going to be late. GET UP NOW.”
Me: “If it wasn’t going to be really sore for me I’d totally throw a shoe at you right now.”
Brain: “UP UP UP UP UP UP UP….”
Me: “I’m going to suffocate myself with the pillow. Nice knowing you.”
Brain: “I’m going to start listing off all the things in your life you should be worried about right at this very moment. Three…two…”
Me: “You wouldn’t d-”
Brain: “One. I’VE NOTHING TO WEAR TODAY IT’S REALLY COLD WHY CAN’T I FIND MY OTHER SHOE I CAN’T SEE WITHOUT MY GLASSES OH WAIT THERE THEY ARE IS THERE ANYTHING ON FACEBOOK GOD I’M THIRSTY OH WAIT I’VE ANOTHER IDEA FOR A BOOK OH WAIT IT’S GONE AGAIN I HOPE THE CREDIT CARD COMPANY DON’T CALL TODAY BUT YOU NEVER KNOW I THINK I NEED A HAIRCUT OH JESUS I’M SO FAT HANG ON I NEED TO PUT PETROL IN MY CA-”
Me: “Well played.”
Brain: “Cup of tea?”