Tag Archives: domestic violence

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Dear men: We are DONE.

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It’s not our job.
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It’s not our job to remain un-murdered.
It’s not our job to prevent attacks on our own bodies.
It’s not our job to walk around on guard like our own personal secret service agent.
It’s not our job to have to google legal defensive weapons lest WE get more attention from the guards than our attacker does.
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It’s not our job to watch what we wear, drink, take, say, or watch who we lock eyes with on a night out, whether on purpose or by accident.
It’s not our job to have an escape plan playing on a loop in our head from the minute we leave place A to walk to place B.
It’s not our job to set a self-imposed curfew from sundown to decrease both the chance of attack and the chance of being blamed in the aftermath.
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It’s not our job to need a chaperone.
It’s not our job to now have to watch our backs in the day as well, because now the night isn’t enough for predators any more.
It’s not our job to carry our keys through our fingers locked into a fist like Wolverine but with none of his superhero strength.
It’s not our job to feel on a regular basis the primal fear that crashes down through our bloodstream like an icy waterfall from our head down to our core when we hear footsteps getting louder behind us.
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It’s not our job to have to attend more vigils than nights out with our friends.
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It’s not our job to witness those vigils being targeted by angry entitled fucked up men, because all our so-called safe spaces are coveted by predators who aren’t satisfied with just violating our normal daily lives any more.
It’s not our job to dread seeing a woman’s name on a hashtag and fearing the worst, to steel ourselves for a news report and footage of flowers and candles on a pathway.
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It’s not our job to then get attacked online when we have the audacity to show rage instead of just passive non-threatening sadness.
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It’s not our job. It never was.
It’s not our fault. It never was.
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It wasn’t her job.
It wasn’t her fault.
We’re done. We quit.
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Men, step up. There’s a job going. Take it and sort it out.
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End of broadcast.
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Ask J-Ro: Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Rightly So…

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My last boyfriend was really shit and kind of abusive. I’ve been through therapy and am pretty unscathed at this stage. i’ve just started dating this new boy who i fucking ADORE, but i’m very very reluctant to open up about my past- which is weird, as i’m normally v open and honest. what do i do? 🙁
When it comes to opening up about past traumas or painful memories in a new relationship, I’m always of the opinion that you should take your time, trust your gut, and don’t feel pushed into revealing anything you don’t want to. Someone has to EARN the right to access those emotional parts of you that are hidden from public view. So it goes with starting a new relationship. I think you’re right to be reluctant in opening up, and it’s not really to do with your new boyfriend.

It’s fantastic that you seem to have sorted through it in therapy, and come through it ‘unscathed’ as you said. However, that doesn’t mean you’re not still going to be wary as feck about any other man that comes into your life. Being over-cautious and playing your emotional cards close to your chest in the beginning is a defense mechanism, and a natural one at that. You may be ready to move on and found a guy that you adore, but deep down in the part of you that was hurt, it’s understandably going to take a wee bit longer to feel safe and secure.

The outside world these days will tell you that when you meet The One, you’ll click instantly. Like two soulmates bonded together for life, there’ll be no barriers between you and all your mutual emotional secrets and dark sides will be exposed and your worlds will mesh together for blissful eternity…that’s bullshit. All that intense stuff takes time and trust and patience. My advice is don’t worry too much if you’re not opening your soul early on, if it’s looking like it’ll be a long-term relationship that will come naturally in time. Trust your instinct. If you really feel like it’s imperative that he knows about it, you can give him the general gist of what happened without feeling too vulnerable. But don’t be worrying too much. Enjoy the process of a new relationship! You are more than the sum of your past experiences, and I’m sure he’s with you simply because he thinks you’re an awesome person.

So go forth and let yourself be adored, and lose yourself in the buzz of a new relationship where BOTH of you can explore getting to know each other’s pasts and get stuck into making a new future 🙂