J-Ro Vs Brain, pt 7

Brain: “Alarm’s gone off.”

Me: “Shurrup.”

Brain: “Seriously. It went off like two minutes ago. You need to get up.”

Me: “I know you speak English, because you’re essentially me. So I’ll say it again. Shurrup. I’ve hit the snooze button.”

Brain: “Get up. You’re going to be late. GET UP NOW.”

Me: “If it wasn’t going to be really sore for me I’d totally throw a shoe at you right now.”

Brain: “UP UP UP UP UP UP UP….”

Me: “I’m going to suffocate myself with the pillow. Nice knowing you.”

Brain: “I’m going to start listing off all the things in your life you should be worried about right at this very moment. Three…two…”

Me: “You wouldn’t d-”

Brain: “One. I’VE NOTHING TO WEAR TODAY IT’S REALLY COLD WHY CAN’T I FIND MY OTHER SHOE I CAN’T SEE WITHOUT MY GLASSES OH WAIT THERE THEY ARE IS THERE ANYTHING ON FACEBOOK GOD I’M THIRSTY OH WAIT I’VE ANOTHER IDEA FOR A BOOK OH WAIT IT’S GONE AGAIN I HOPE THE CREDIT CARD COMPANY DON’T CALL TODAY BUT YOU NEVER KNOW I THINK I NEED A HAIRCUT OH JESUS I’M SO FAT HANG ON I NEED TO PUT PETROL IN MY CA-”

Me: “Well played.”

Brain: “Cup of tea?”

Me: “Please.”

J-Ro Vs Brain, pt 6

Brain: “Did you lock your car?”

Me: “Yup.”

Brain: “You sure?”

Me: “Yes, I distinctly remember.”

Brain: “You mean ‘I’ distinctly remember…and I don’t.”

Me: “Don’t start this again. I definitely did.”

Brain: “Well that memory you’re thinking of could have been from the day before; I mean you don’t do anything out of the ordinary whenever you lock your car, do you?”

Me: “Of course not. What, you want me to sing a different song every time I put the key in the door?”

Brain: “It might help. You clearly don’t have a handle on the situation. Go out and check just to make sure.”

Me: “You’re supposed to be in my corner here. What’s your game? Why do you want me to leave the house and check on my car??”

Brain: “No reason…”

Me: “Tell me now or I’ll make you watch Hollyoaks. Back to back episodes. Full volume.”

Brain: “FINE I LEFT A FRY’S CHOCOLATE CREAM IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT…”

Me: “You’ve got problems.”

J-Ro Vs Brain, pt 3

Me: “I just thought of something and now I can’t remember it.”

Brain: “I know what it is.”

Me: “Tell me then!”

Brain: “Well if you’re too lazy to make an effort to take notice of your thoughts…”

Me: “Every time you do this to me. EVERY TIME. How many is this now?”

Brain: “About twenty-three at my last count. They’re all really good ones too. One could even change your whole outlook on life and change things for the better.”

Me: “Which one was that?”

Brain: “I’m not telling you, all I’ll say is you moved it to make room for an episode of Jersey Shore a couple of months ago, and I gave it a good home instead.”

Me: “Joke’s on you, douchebag. It’s all in under my name anyway, so even if you steal them and pass them off as your own, I STILL get all the credit. There’s no technology available to let a brain function independently outside of a body yet. Boom!”

Brain: “Actually, that’s idea number seventeen. So one day you’ll wake up and be responsible for that dream coming true. Ironic isn’t it?”

Me: “I think it’s time I started electrocuting myself for fun…”

J-Ro Vs Brain, pt 2

Me: “I just woke up from a dream where I spent most of it dressed as Spider-Man.”

Brain: “I know, right? I knew you’d like it. You’re welcome.”

Me: “I wasn’t actually a superhero though…I was just wandering the town dressed as one. Like a crazy person. Or the loneliest stag party in the world.”

Brain: “Look, I did my best, okay?”

Me: “AND Betty White was dead in the dream as well. What the fuck?”

Brain: “Give me a break. It was a busy day. I can only work with what you give me.”

Me: “It’s because I watched those Made in Chelsea episodes on 4oD isn’t it? You just don’t want me to have fun anymore.”

Brain: “All I’m saying is this time last year I was reading the works of Wollstonecraft, Blake, and Shakespeare. Now you’re giving me dumb rich assholes staring vacantly into the distance while trying to shag each other in between so-called ‘random’ trips to Dubai on Daddy’s credit card.”

Me: “Fair point. Snobby bastard.”

Brain: “Keep reaching for those intellectual stars…”

J-Ro Vs Brain, pt 1

Me: “What do you mean, it’s not Sunday afternoon?? But mom put the dryer on…she’s breaking all the rules! I don’t know what to believe anymore..”

Brain: “At your age, people have mortgages. And children.”

Me: “I can’t hear you. I’m busy watching Jem and the Holograms.”