If You Don’t Land The Perfect Relationship, Will You Still Be Okay?
Have you ever envisioned your time in this world ultimately being a solo adventure? Or, to put it more dramatically – are you prepared to end up alone?
I’m writing this post on the back of a very shitty sleepless night, borne by a downward spiral of anxiety from somewhere deep within the pit of my brain. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks dealing with what for me is one of the biggest, and most visible, symptoms of my anxiety disorder.
I’ve started seeing a guy, and it’s going well. We get along great, the sex is amazing, and hrs just generally a good person to hang out with. We’ve both been hurt in the past though, and we’re both hesitant. I’m afraid to let myself fall for him, and I think he’s the same. What do we do?
When it comes to recovering from being badly hurt in past relationships, I think it’s important to work at your own pace. The idea of moving on is great in theory but in practice it’s a bit more of a bumpy road than simply just meeting someone new and ‘boom’ everything is perfect. Real life is a bit of a gowl like that 🙂
Patience and communication is the best combination in cases like this. You will both have your own time-frame and process of getting over past hurts so by being aware of that will help lessen any worries or insecurities on each other’s part. But really when it comes to dealing with any emotional issues in a relationship, there’s no substitute for honest communication. I know it’ll be a big risk coming from a place of having been hurt before, but sometimes you have to power through and take a chance anyway, especially if you see a long-term commitment with this guy.
It’s also worth actually saying out loud to yourself that he is not your ex, and you are not your partner’s ex. You can’t make the next person pay indirectly for someone else’s mistakes. You have to tell yourself that every new person is a blank slate, a clean start, and enjoy the feeling of liberation that comes from that realisation.
Most of all, try not to allow your previous partner to occupy any more of your head-space. That’s an awful lot of power to give someone who’s not in your life any more. Make room for something new and exciting and issue-free! Be nice to yourself 🙂
I separated from my wife a year ago. there’s a girl that likes me and I like her. She has a kid. She fears 2 things, firstly that I’ll return to the ex and second that I’ll reject her because of her son. How can I reassure her that this isn’t the case for either. When I’m with her my world lights up.
I think the first and most important thing is keep talking with each other, but in a productive way. You don’t want to end up in an endless cycle of constant reassurance, because that does nobody any good, and gets in the way of the fun part of beginning a new and exciting relationship. It sounds like she’s playing it very cautiously, possibly from having been hurt before, so I think you’ll have to take it slow, and be patient. You know how you feel, so let her know your feelings and be open about how much you care for her.
Actions also speak louder than words, remember. So show her what she means to you. I’m not talking about grand pricey gestures or anything material like that (although nobody’s gonna stop you if you want to!). Listen to her, be loyal, trustworthy and reliable, be someone she can depend on and who will be around when she needs. If you really see something long-term with her, it’ll be important to make her son feel valued and important to you; but let her call the shots on that one. Once again, it’s all down to patience. When there’s a child involved it can move things along a lot faster in a budding relationship, and force both parties to lay their cards on the table early on to avoid hurt feelings. Build on what you guys have first, and when she’s feeling secure and sure that this is a long-term thing, she may start bringing her son into the equation.
Lastly, mind yourself in it too. There must be balance, so as long as you feel valued and wanted in the relationship too and not spending all your energy on trying to reassure someone, in time it could be something really special for both of you. If down the line there are still some insecurities surfacing, there really is no substitute for a spot of couple’s counselling. It’s a fantastic way of developing tools of communication and discussion in a safe environment. Therapy is not necessarily a sign of cracks appearing, it’s a sign that you’re prepared to do some nurturing of a relationship that really means something to you. That can only be a good thing!