Category Archives: Ask J-Ro

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Ask J-Ro: All About Chemistry

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months. He’s sweet, funny and kind. The only thing is, I’m not attracted to him. I’ve known that all along but I’ve been trying not to be superficial. I tried to ignore it but now I feel like I resent him because I don’t fancy him. Should we break up?

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In a word; yes. Why are you with him if you don’t fancy him? Sure he’s sweet, funny and kind, but so are puppies and friends. And you don’t have to go to the effort of going out with them to get that. If you don’t fancy him, then he shouldn’t be your boyfriend. The ‘fancying’ part is one of the fundamental defining points of a boyfriend or a girlfriend, so if that’s missing, you’re selling yourself short. You’re also not being fair to him; he deserves to be with someone who gets tingles in their tummy at the thought of being with them. Would YOU like to be with someone who didn’t fancy you? My guess is you’d be gone before you could say ‘Chemistry’.

You’re not being superficial by wanting to end it because he doesn’t do it for you, among other things we’re visually-stimulated creatures, and physical & sexual attraction is what separates a guy who is a friend from a guy who could be a potential love interest. It’s the funny feelings in our fuzzy bits that keep this world of ours turning 🙂

I could labour the point, but I suspect you know all of this. I think you’re maybe trying to find a way out of this without hurting his feelings, and without feeling bad yourself. I don’t imagine you were going to just grin and bear it for the next few years, having absolutely no sexual attraction to someone you’re stuck with just because you don’t want to be the breaker-upper. Unfortunately, it’s gotta be done. It will hurt his feelings, but you’re doing him a favour and it’s not out of nastiness; it’s out of honesty and respect. You’re giving the two of you the gift of freedom to have something way better with other people who will melt your butter in ways you never imagined. Sure who wouldn’t want a present like that? Go forth and take the step, it’ll sting but things will be far better for the both of you. Let some chemistry into your life!

Best of luck <3

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Ask J-Ro: A Bit Of A McQuandary…

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My bf cancels our plans all the time just cos he doesn’t feel like it or wants to do sometime stupid together like go to McDonalds, so I guess I’m asking should make it look like an accident or suicide? Or just straight up chop his bollocks off?
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I’d go for the bollock-chop, personally. Unless he throws in the odd apple pie and hot fudge sundae while you’re paying a visit to Maccy D’s, but that’s just me.

Seriously though, why doesn’t he want to hang out with his girlfriend? Has he got some other idea of what a girlfriend actually is? If he keeps telling you he doesn’t feel like doing things with you, then I recommend you develop a case of not feeling like doing him. See how long this Sexican Stand-Off lasts with Mr De-Motivator, and I’m pretty sure he’ll come around fairly quickly. Either that, or he’ll have to get used to coming alone. The lazy fecker.

I’m sure you’re awesome, so he’s lucky you’ve deigned to stick with him. Make sure he knows it. Go forth and kick his apathetic arse!

<3

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Ask J-Ro: A Few Good Men

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I’m absolutely torn between two lovely guys. I know them both for years & I have such a great connection with each of them, I have the opportunity right now to be with either one of them (both have recently asked me to give it a go), which should be fantastic, but i cant decide which one, any tips?

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That’s a nice quandary to be in, albeit a tricky one! It’s really down to chemistry at this point, if all the things you tell me are true and equal to both guys. If all of the boxes are being ticked, it falls to whichever chap can deliver everything you need on a long-term basis. Can you see yourself with one more than the other? Is one more dependable? More secure in himself emotionally, financially, in other ways? It sounds like both are very good friends, so either way you will gain something lovely and keep another friendship. I would exercise caution in how you go about it, however. Just be mindful of the feelings of both guys whoever you choose. My tip would be; all other things being equal, go for the one who gives you the most butterflies. Whoever you choose, there will be a sight element of risk involved, but sometimes you have to just take a deep breath and dive in! Good luck 🙂

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Ask J-Ro: A Friend In Need Who Doesn’t Return The Deed

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I ended a friendship recently as my friend’s an emotional dumper & was bringing me down. I talked to her&explained how hurt I felt. She refused to accept any responsibility for my feelings & said it was my problem. Now I miss her. We’ve been friends since we were kids. Do I get in contact?

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Friendships are a tricky business in the grown-up world. As people get older and change their priorities in life, it’s very common for friendships to change and for some to cool off as people go their separate ways. It’s a rare thing when someone actually specifically ends a friendship though; most people are content to just let such things slide naturally so as not to attract any attention to the issue.

I’m guessing it wasn’t a decision that you took likely in telling her how you felt about her behaviour towards you, and the fact that you didn’t get the result you wanted must have upset you a great deal. So I’m wondering what it is that has made you want her back in your life at this stage?

When you guys were friends, you found her quite draining, and referred to her as ‘an emotional dumper’. Friendship, like a romantic relationship, is something that functions at its best when both parties are benefitting from the union. It seems that she got the better end of the deal, in that she could vent to you at her leisure, and bring all her problems to your door, but you were left feeling like all YOU got was negativity. If she refused to accept responsibility for your feelings when you brought it up, chances are it’s highly unlikely she’s changed in the time since you guys spoke. So if you DO want to revisit the friendship, you’ll have to accept that not much will have changed, and she’ll still be the same person who brought you down all the time.

It could be that you miss the good times or what could have been, and things seem a lot better than they actually were through the rose-tinted glasses of time. Or it could simply be that you DO miss her. Only you can know the answer to that question. Once you’ve figured out your motivation, you’ll find it easier to decide whether or not you want her back in your life.

I would say that it’s probably no harm in reaching out, after all, life is too short to hold grudges, and it’ll be better for your overall well-being to eliminate animosity and strife wherever you can in your life. But if you do reach out and offer the olive branch, remember she may not want to get back in contact with you, and so you’ll have to make your peace with that.

However, if all goes well and you guys get back in contact, I would advise you to mind yourself in it from the beginning. You can keep her in your life, but keep your emotional cards close to your chest, and watch out for signs that you’re falling into old roles where you’re the designated shoulder for her to cry on constantly yet again. Just make a decision in your mind about what you will & won’t tolerate, and then avoid situations where the old habits could kick in again. Remember; you can’t change her; you’ll have to be the one to change. You can resolve to be more assertive, and set a higher standard for how you want your friends to treat you.

Best of Luck!

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Ask J-Ro: Where Is The Love?

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I’m head over heels with my guy. We’ve been together a year & now started talking about marriage. But I can’t keep him excited in bed, tho he has plenty of “privet time.” I’ve tried EVERYTHING. He swears he loves/wants me but we haven’t had sex in months. I love him but I also love sex. Advice?!

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Ooh, that’s a tough one. A year is a very short time to be with someone and having a dry spell in the bedroom department that lasts for months. That’s a considerable portion of your time together where you’re feeling rejected and unhappy and you have needs that aren’t being met. It definitely needs addressing with your fella. Your sex life and intimacy level can often reflect how your relationship is progressing, and if it’s non-existent, it’s worth further investigation.

What I find intriguing is that from what you’re saying, he’s got no problem meeting his own needs himself in private time? So he has a sex drive of sorts, but only on his own. It could be an intimacy issue he has or some internal worries that are preventing him from being intimate and loving with you. Masturbation, as well as a sexual release, is a way to relax and decompress without any burden of expectation on the part of an outside party, so I wouldn’t panic too much about that. What’s more important is why you guys aren’t talking with each other about something this fundamental. If he’s swearing that he loves and wants you, then if he’s plainly not wanting to be intimate with you and it’s gone on for months, you’re well entitled to ask for an explanation or at least get the ball rolling on some proper honest communication.

Normally if there’s a sudden lack of interest in sex from a partner, it could be that they’re under a lot of stress in other areas of their life. Stress and anxiety are the ultimate passion-killers, so have a think about whether you have noticed any changes in his behaviour in other areas of life. Are there financial concerns? Could he be depressed? Has he worries and fears about the relationship and where it’s going that he hasn’t spoken about? You guys are only together for a year and are talking about marriage, and that’s a big step. Have you guys really, honestly talked about it and what you want from each other in the long run? Sometimes when things move as fast as that, things tend to take on a life of their own and it can be hard to pump the brakes and really take a look at things to make sure you’re both on the same page.

Let’s tackle the other fear that may be flying around your brain: infidelity. The old “If he’s not getting it from me, he’s getting it somewhere else” cliché can rear its ugly head, but in this situation, I don’t know enough about the relationship to say that it could be a factor. Only your gut instinct and evidence will present that possibility. This would be my ‘last resort’ suggestion if you haven’t gotten any satisfaction (so to speak) with any of the above.

Bottom line: Talk it out. If he’s not willing to discuss it, then to me that’s a way bigger issue than a lack of sex. No point in talking marriage with someone who won’t communicate with you about any problems or concerns they’re having. That’s far too lonely a state to be in. Talk, listen, and face whatever comes.

Good Luck!