Ask J-Ro: A Friend In Need Who Doesn’t Return The Deed

I ended a friendship recently as my friend’s an emotional dumper & was bringing me down. I talked to her&explained how hurt I felt. She refused to accept any responsibility for my feelings & said it was my problem. Now I miss her. We’ve been friends since we were kids. Do I get in contact?

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Friendships are a tricky business in the grown-up world. As people get older and change their priorities in life, it’s very common for friendships to change and for some to cool off as people go their separate ways. It’s a rare thing when someone actually specifically ends a friendship though; most people are content to just let such things slide naturally so as not to attract any attention to the issue.

I’m guessing it wasn’t a decision that you took likely in telling her how you felt about her behaviour towards you, and the fact that you didn’t get the result you wanted must have upset you a great deal. So I’m wondering what it is that has made you want her back in your life at this stage?

When you guys were friends, you found her quite draining, and referred to her as ‘an emotional dumper’. Friendship, like a romantic relationship, is something that functions at its best when both parties are benefitting from the union. It seems that she got the better end of the deal, in that she could vent to you at her leisure, and bring all her problems to your door, but you were left feeling like all YOU got was negativity. If she refused to accept responsibility for your feelings when you brought it up, chances are it’s highly unlikely she’s changed in the time since you guys spoke. So if you DO want to revisit the friendship, you’ll have to accept that not much will have changed, and she’ll still be the same person who brought you down all the time.

It could be that you miss the good times or what could have been, and things seem a lot better than they actually were through the rose-tinted glasses of time. Or it could simply be that you DO miss her. Only you can know the answer to that question. Once you’ve figured out your motivation, you’ll find it easier to decide whether or not you want her back in your life.

I would say that it’s probably no harm in reaching out, after all, life is too short to hold grudges, and it’ll be better for your overall well-being to eliminate animosity and strife wherever you can in your life. But if you do reach out and offer the olive branch, remember she may not want to get back in contact with you, and so you’ll have to make your peace with that.

However, if all goes well and you guys get back in contact, I would advise you to mind yourself in it from the beginning. You can keep her in your life, but keep your emotional cards close to your chest, and watch out for signs that you’re falling into old roles where you’re the designated shoulder for her to cry on constantly yet again. Just make a decision in your mind about what you will & won’t tolerate, and then avoid situations where the old habits could kick in again. Remember; you can’t change her; you’ll have to be the one to change. You can resolve to be more assertive, and set a higher standard for how you want your friends to treat you.

Best of Luck!

About JayRow

Singer, songwriter, student radio broadcaster, teacher, commitment-phobe, depressive, loudmouth, Facebook obsessive, blogging addict, celebrity hassler, professional stalker, pipe dreamer, ambitious young thing!
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