Look, I’m insane. I know this. However, I find it’s better to express the madness safely through the beauty of the written word, and through the majesty of song. Well, it’s an aspiration anyway. Last Summer I wrote a song about the joys of stalking (have a listen here if the fancy takes you), and it became the surprise smash hit of my immediate circle of friends in the last semester of college. I was an international superstar – in my head. I couldn’t go anywhere without being hassled by paparazzi. By which I mean one guy taking pictures of people chilling in the park on a sunny day for the local paper. He spelt both my first name AND my surname wrong. Go figure.
To be fair, the song actually went down a storm in college when I played it for the first time at our Rag Week. People lapped it up and as more live gigs came up in college, up I went and sang my little tunes. I noticed that many groups of girls I didn’t know were singing along to the words. I don’t know what it says about modern girls when they’re happily singing along to an anthem based on denial, intrusion, invasion of personal space and terrorising someone you’ve never really met before, but hey, they like my music, so what do I care??
I started to care when after a few weeks of small gigs and strolling round college, even my tutors were asking me if I was the redhead girl that people were talking about who was singing ‘that’ song. I would always give a standard response which would include a modest laugh, and some sort of smart-arsey reply that let the person know that ‘it was purely fictional, haha!’ to reassure them they weren’t going to leave my presence with a lock of hair missing.
Matters came to a head when, after an end-of-semester celebration in a pub, I got up and lashed out ‘The Stalker Song’. Almost the entire pub began to sing along, once again mostly people I didn’t know personally. Every budding musician’s dream. It was brilliant. I felt like I’d just sold out Wembley. This was my moment. Goosepimples, adrenaline rush, the whole shebang….I was a rock goddess. Then one of the organisers took me aside and whispered in my ear. “There’s a bunch of girls over there, they wanted me to tell you that you don’t know them, but they love your song, and they’ve seen you play every time you’ve sung in college, and they know all the words to your Stalker song, and they’re kind of YOUR stalkers now!”
Some justice is just too poetic for words. It’s pretty fucking awesome. I’m not in the least bit unnerved by it. If anyone’s looking for me I’ll be out buying new locks for my car and house. The timing is pure coincidence.