Having spent the last week and a half gorging myself on series after series of Curb Your Enthusiasm right from the first episode, I’ve come to realise that Larry David is more than likely a future vision of how I see myself in a few years’ time. Should my grumpiness go unchecked, my intolerance for incompetence be left to simmer unaided, my blood pressure be allowed to skyrocket unfettered by medical science, I will indeed become Larry’s female counterpart, Laretha David. Without the financial success and stellar writing career, obviously. So in essence, I will be just another grumpy ‘auld wan’ who attracts weird and not-so-wonderful people into my immediate circle only to have me wish upon every star, both seen and unseen by human eyes, that they would just rise up and feck off away from me.
So here are two situations that made it on to my ‘Grumpy Auld Wan’ list. Things that piss me off in the most rage-filled ways. Both based on the last few weeks I’ve been back in college.
1. Full-on conversations in the middle of lectures
We all have the odd remark or comment or query to make to the person next to us at some time or another in a lecture hall, but if all that’s missing from the barely-whispered exchange between you and your chatty partner-in-crime is a pot of tea and some sandwiches, you need to shut up. Just shut up. Or hey, here’s an idea. Don’t go to the lecture. You clearly have more pressing issues than the Sociology of Education, so why waste your valuable time being cruelly interrupted by that rude so-and-so near the podium? I’m only thinking of you. Don’t worry, I won’t be making a habit of it.
2. Doorway Meet n’ Greets
You’re on your way out of a crowded hall. You’re one of the first few to leave. What else would you do only stand right in the doorway to stop and say “Oh my God (insert something not in any way urgent)” Don’t mind us, you walking breathing life-size fire-hazard. It’s your spine we’ll happily trample over to get to where we need to be. Cheers. Also applies to the coffee / tea area in the shop. Move or be scalded. (‘Your Honour, it wasn’t a threat, merely stating a fact. Thanks.’)
These two bees that occupy my bonnet are things that can be easily rectified by people not switching to ‘asshole’ mode when they get out of bed in the morning. Don’t worry, I am fully aware that I’m not exactly Mother Teresa myself, so who am I to sit and give out? There’s probably a plethora of ways in which I annoy the ever-living sh*t out of a large number of people every day.
I said ‘probably’. Not likely though.
Something tells me I should probably disable comments for this post…