I can’t help it – I love this heap of unmitigated rubbish. I could extol the virtues of the show as an anthropological study on the social and mating habits of a certain subculture of America, but why bother? It is what it is; a bunch of trashy young wans given free reign to drink, fight and shag as much as they want, and get catapulted to global stardom in the process. It’s nothing new. The idea of watching a show like that annoyed the crap out of me, until I sat down and watched it without a trace of irony or any notions about my sense of taste in television. Ten minutes in, I was hooked. Why? Because they do it so well. It’s pure chewing gum for the brain.
I adore the drama. The arguments, the drunken seductions, the felony assaults, the fashion sense straight out of an afters from ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’, the screaming, the open hostility, the swearing, the lack of respect for women – and that’s just the girls in the show. These women are amazing in their complete lack of class and intelligence. What they lack in decorum and poise they make up for in scheming and physical solutions to emotional problems. One thing you CAN say about these females – if they don’t like you, you’ll know about it as soon as they do. They’ll look you dead in the eye before telling you you’re a bitch, and most likely punch you in the face as well to illustrate the point. Very refreshing. Here’s my two cents’ worth on the creatures involved…
Hands-down my favourite person in the house. She just wants to have a good time!! Everything else (common sense, dignity, any notion of aloofness in front of attractive men) is just a hindrance. No agenda, just dancing, drinking and diving onto greasy muscled cave-men (Gorilla juice-heads for those in the know). Doesn’t understand when people don’t like her, and gets genuinely upset when there’s fights in the house. Got socked in the face by some meathead in a club a few episodes ago and I have to say, my little heart broke for her. She’s exactly what it says on her tin. Her lycra-clad, Ed Hardy-titled, glittery tin.
What a woman. Bad hair extensions, bad attitude, bad boob-job, bad skin, bad tan job…congratulations lady, in Limerick you’d qualify for Haunt of the Year. Chavvy in every way, walking around on high alert in case anybody is in bad need of a slap – and they usually are, which works out great for us viewers. Not the most diplomatic of people, but that’s why she’s awesome to watch. She loves Snooki, and takes care of her. So she’s all right in my book.
Gowl. Sneaky, psychotic, toxic, deluded…she’s perfect for the house. Drives everyone bat-shit crazy, including Paulie – and that’s something. I’m hoping she doesn’t make an appearance this season, but I’m also kind of hoping she will. She makes me scream at the telly. She threatens to leave every half an hour, but somehow can’t get her ass up off the couch. It’s a shame she’s such a muppet. Makes for fascinating TV I guess. My only problem was when she got into one of her many shouting matches with the boys, they called her fat – which she’s not. She’s actually smokin’ hot. Despite her muppetry.
Jury’s out on this creature – she’s only been in the most recent episode. So far though, my opinion is thus: A Snooki wannabe, trying too hard to get straight in with the long-established members of the house which may backfire on her. I like her tattoos though.
I need a thesis to write on this tool. She’s a master of manipulation – in her own mind. Her main modus operandi seems to be: Move all the way down to the Shore with your whipped boyfriend, back to the house where nobody else likes you and has made that perfectly clear in the last season, unpack, and proceed to lie down in your room and examine your manicure, pausing only to pout and pose questions like “Do you understand what I’m going through right now??” to a man who is dumber than the hair gel he wears, while he tries to stutter out the best answer that will give him the minimum amount of tears in response. He lies on the bed trying to offer words of comfort, all the while with one eye on the door and his left leg twitching in desperation to get the hell out to where his mates are and enjoy the party. She comes down every now and again to do the same thing, but with a sneer for all to see. Only one episode in to Season 3 and she got her face handed to her by JWoww for being a bitch. Did I mention how much I love JWoww?
The first of the Jersey Shore men – and the least of them. Totally whipped by Sammi, he made the mistake of hooking up with her in the first episodes of Season One, mentioned the word ‘girlfriend’, and he’s been paying for it ever since. He’s spineless, sneaky, duplicitous, and dumber than a box of rusty hammers. Their relationship rollercoaster is well worth a watch, it’s like a special glimpse into what you imagine it would look like watching Cro-Magnon Man and his mate argue over the quality of the bison he brought home to the cave for dinner – but with fake nails and Ed Hardy T-Shirts.
What you see is what you get with Paulie. Up for a laugh, doesn’t want a girlfriend, doesn’t tell anyone he does either, as a result he takes home some girls of questionable quality who have one eye on the camera crew and another eye on possible stardom as they flirt with The Man With Immovable Hair. But hey, you know what they say – you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Cheeky and fun-loving, he’s the comic relief in the house. But watch closely, he’s quite the insightful character – he’s got an iron-clad sense of loyalty when it comes to The Bro Code, and lives for the close-knit vibe that kicks off when they all sit down to eat a massive Italian family-style dinner of a Sunday. He’s a legend.
This guy…I love him. He’s gorgeous. All heart, cheeky chappie, LOVES his momma, likes to treat a girl right…well the ones he thinks are worth the effort beyond a romp in the hay anyway. Snooki has a bit of a thing for him, so we’ll see how that goes. the first episode of this new season saw him turn her down on the basis that he was just up for a laugh and he knew she wasn’t, and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. As we say in Limerick – AHGODHELPUS…
Seriously. If you have to put ‘the’ before your nickname, it doesn’t project an air of self-confidence. He’s the self-proclaimed Alpha Dog of the group, but he isn’t really. I would put forward the theory that Paulie is the main man in the house, in a more understated way. Mike (aka The Situation) is the oldest in the house, and he tries to assert his ‘authority’ by usurping the other guys as much as possible in the club – you’d want to be careful even popping to the loo for a second with this guy about; turn your back for a second and he’ll be in there. Kind of like a pigeon. Which is funny, because that’s what he looks like. Go figure.
So there you have it. It’s crass, it’s lowest common denominator television, it belittles our higher nature and celebrates mediocrity – but it’s great craic to watch. We can’t be highbrow all the time can we??
IT’S T-SHIRT TIME!!!