I’m doing it – I’m naming and shaming. Too long we have suffered in silence, lured back again and again by their sweet nature, with promises that it’ll all be better next time – but it never is. Never. So here it is, in order of severity; three types of food that kill and maim more people each year than donkey trampling and sword-swallowing combined.*

Death by Chocolate

1. Toblerone

The Don Corleone of violent food. Lures you in with its smooth exterior and funky looking shape, making you feel like a highbrow culture vulture because it looks like The Pyramids (if they all got up and formed a conga line). But beware. It’s a serrated chocolate nightmare, ready to tear the roof off your eager mouth at a moment’s notice, and laugh as you spit blood and terror for all eternity. Even if you survive the initial first bite of the first triangle without it going through your upper gums, you may still be in danger of the second triangle waiting behind it to fire itself up your nose like a mini choco-rocket. Then there’s the nougat. Ready to shred your tongue to ribbons for even THINKING you could survive a bar of such extreme caliber. Chuck Norris himself survived a Toblerone experience, only because he shouted at it and it melted in shock.

My taste buds weep just by looking at them...

2. Chili Doritos

These bastards should come with a skull and crossbones picture and the logo ‘Death Crisps’. Problem is, I’d still eat them. More than I do now. But they confuse me with their betrayal and rage. First off, I love tortilla chip-based snacks, apart from cheese flavour ones (that’s another blog post altogether). Second, I love savoury. Thirdly, I love spicy. So the combination of those things make for a good treat in my book. But this is a prime example of how you can put things together and somehow they still come out, well, wrong. It’s like the monster in Frankenstein..the doc had all the elements on paper, but when he fused them all together, the result was an abomination beyond all human endurance. Bottom line – Chili Doritos make me ouchy in my mouth. They burn. Not in a spicy way, but in an “Ooops I just drank the Hydrochloric Acid instead of the water” kind of way. I can handle spicy. I’m just not comfortable with food that attempts to re-enact a nuclear mushroom cloud on my tongue. And yet if there’s a bowl of them in front of me at a party, I’ll pounce on them faster than a Chilean Miner on a book deal. Go figure.

Given half a chance they'd kill you and everyone you care about...

3. Mini-Chips

Why these do not come with Parental Advisory stickers on their packets is beyond me. I don’t know about you, but when I was younger, they were the first thing that I went for once my pocket money fell into my tiny little hand on a Saturday. They were heavy, not like a packet of Meanies or Wheelies, you felt like you were getting your money’s worth with Mini-Chips. If your arm hurt from lugging them about the place, they were a good crisp product. Because that meant only one thing – Extreme MSG rush…yaaa… Nevermind that they are basically acid-coated little hate-bullets, hammered off the rocks of Hell by Satan’s minions then coated in Salt n’ Vinegar flavoured dust that make your eyes water and your tongue melt even before they go near your face.

You always had to eat at least thirty-two of them at a time, lest you be seen by your peers and judged as weak. Not to mention it would take you four hours to eat a packet of them if you ate one at a time. They went into your mouth like a handful of nails, all pointy ends sticking outwards, ready to lacerate your windpipe in one swallowing action. There was always that one little fecker who refused to be chewed, dodging molars and incisors alike, until it managed to dive sideways down your throat in a mission to assassinate you, while you flail around in agony, trying to will your digestive system into breaking the offending mini-chip down at impossible speed to minimise internal bleeding, but to no avail, and then finally, a friend turns to you and utters these immortal words: “Wanna sip of my Coke?”

Crisis averted. Coke fixes everything. It cleans coins for Pete’s sake, Terminator-style Mini-Chips don’t even get a look-in. Unless it’s a bottle of Coke..then I’ll take my chances with the Death Chip please. It’s a can or nuthin’…

*Made-up statistic, but I thought it would made the post look cool…

About JayRow

Singer, songwriter, student radio broadcaster, teacher, commitment-phobe, depressive, loudmouth, Facebook obsessive, blogging addict, celebrity hassler, professional stalker, pipe dreamer, ambitious young thing!
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One Comment

  1. Should be turned into a health promotion campaign. Think of the money it would save the hse

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