Some tips and kernels of
wisdom to get you through the festive season…
- You can NEVER make enough gravy for Christmas Dinner.
Families have broken down over lesser issues. Save yourself the
trouble and make a gallon.
- Practice your
‘grateful face’ in the mirror at least two days before Ground Zero
of present-giving kicks in. They will
watch your expression closer than Cal Lightman in ‘Lie To
- When it’s time to clean after dinner,
always offer to do the wash-up before
any other task. Everything else involves lots of moving around,
picking up, scraping, drying, putting away, wiping down
etc..whereas you just stay in the one place – and end up with hands
as soft as your face. Thanks, Fairy Liquid.
- Don’t bring your phone to the table. If you’re blogging
about the trauma of a festive family get-together, grab some
napkins and a pen and scribble notes under the table if you must.
The last thing you need is an entire dinner-length conversation
about how you need to ‘plug in’ to the family goings-on and you
need to ‘get a real life’. Some people just don’t understand..
- Get involved. Wear the paper hats from
the crackers even though they dye your forehead bright blue. See
Number 6 for added fun.
- Change the punchline
of the crappy cracker jokes to surreal things like ‘blue fish’ or
‘In your pants’ as appropriate. That way you can spot the people
you need to avoid for the next 12 months by watching who laughs
- Get up early Christmas Eve and
pre-book your movie and TV choices to Record
and Reminder – so if it pops up on
Christmas Day and all you hear are roars of disapproval, you can
relax when you see the little red dot on the Sky Box working its
magic – thus looking all magnanimous and good-natured while dying
inside because no-one will ever understand your humour.
- International diplomatic rules state that whoever is
cooking has Shotgun when it comes to kitchen music. No
- When the food snoozes kick in,
and they will, you are honour-bound to
take pictures of the unfortunate soul who passes out first and post
them online with assorted funny captions.
- Lastly, if any fights break out on the Big Day, it is
pre-agreed that someone outside of the Kill Zone is obliged to drop
their pants and shuffle between the warring parties singing “It’s
Not Unusual” until one person breaks down laughing or they just
stop and stare in horror. Especially if it’s an elderly relative
who has decided to take on the role of Pants-less
Have a most awesome Christmas