Jeremy Kyle: Ice Cream for our Self-Esteem…

There's a lid for every pot, I guess...?

I’m addicted to The Jeremy Kyle Show. God knows I go on about it often enough on Facebook so everyone knows that. But I figured that I may as well give him a whole blog post. His show is awesome. It’s car-crash telly at its finest, and as his viewers we’re those annoying drivers who drive extra slowly past the wreckage to get a better look, and in doing so we annoy the shit out of the other drivers who have no time for that sort of thing.

I often wonder why I love the show, and the same answer comes up again and again. I feel so much better about my life after a good episode of Jezza K. I live for the moments when a couple are on looking for lie detector tests about who cheated on who. I’m on the edge of my seat when DNA tests are about to be revealed – even more so when the lovely lady in question says she’s thirty percent certain that Daz is definitely the baby daddy. Thirty. But she only slept with two people apparently. Modern rednecks, foiled once again by their mortal enemy – a logical train of thought. It kills more people than it saves you know.

Aside from the fact that the generation that will follow these lovely creatures haven’t a hope, which is tragic and almost unavoidable, these people inspire me to shout at the telly and get right in there with them. I get real controversial, all up in their business. You want a lie detector test for your man who went out for a pint of milk and came back three days later wearing some other fine filly’s underwear as a hat and stinking of Charlie Red? Really?? Here’s your lie detector test; ask him a direct question and see if his lips start moving. Done. Next please.

You over there with the baseball cap precariously positioned on the top of your sloped brow – yes, you…no, don’t grin at me. If I want to see the kind of dental travesty that only belongs in a dentist’s ‘before’ picture, then off to the dentist I will go. Now, you want to find out if you’re the father of a baby who was conceived while you were detained at Her Majesty’s Pleasure for throwing a can of Dutch Gold at one of your mates while he spun around on some kiddie’s playground roundabout at four in the morning nose-diving into a bag of ecstasy tabs? How about I give you a copy of ‘What To Expect While You’re Expecting’ and a calculator and lock you in a room until you work it out for yourself. There you go.

I love it all. Sure, you can argue that Jeremy and his ilk are purveyors of human misery and exploit the lives of those who don’t know any better, and that’s true. But they’re not holding guns to anyone’s head. They’re a symptom of society. I watch what’s going on in the world on the likes of CNN and Sky, and I don’t see the reporters getting the same hatred reserved for them as poor old Jezza has. Now I’m not for a second implying that what Jeremy Kyle does is Pulitzer Prize-winning journalism. Please. But he shows us a sub-culture that you would never see on a news program, and this sub-culture exists everywhere. All the do-gooders who want to change the world? Start there. Head over to those housing estates and educate the shit out of people who use children as glue to hold abusive relationships together, who are in pain, addicted and deprived of respect, love and attention and drown themselves in drugs and alcohol to blanket over the fact that their lives are going nowhere. Tell them there are other ways to sort out life’s little problems than to go on a TV show and air their dirty laundry.

That being said, I’ll still watch Jeremy Kyle for its pantomime value. Anyone I know who watches it will agree with me that when you watch it, you’re not thinking about the issues it raises about society. You’re watching a host who is so fond of his own voice he reduces his guests to mere puppets while he speaks for them. You’re watching a man who is so arrogant he calls in a ‘genius’ by the name of Graham to open a psychological can of worms with whichever guest is the focus of the negative attention. He’ll come on, press all their buttons, reduce them to quivering wrecks by mentioning their mother abandoning them, then send them off stage to fend for themselves. Every now and again you’ll see a ‘backstage special’ where they follow them and have a chat, and they call that ‘aftercare’. I’m under no illusions; Jeremy Kyle is, in essence, more scummy than the people that clamour to appear on his show.

What I’m fascinated most by apart from JK’s changing regional dialects and expressions to suit whatever part of the English map his guests hail from, is the dark undertone of ‘Reaction Cam’. These people are the seedy underbelly of an already seedy show. While Jezza is on stage doing his thing talking at his guest telling them what they should be thinking about the person who’s waiting backstage, his ‘team’ are working in tandem, sitting alongside the willing victim in the green room area, egging them on, asking them if they are going to let him/her talk like that, and that when they go out there they should sort him/her out once and for all. What we see then is a raging, cursing, spitting maniac bounding onto the stage ready to kill. Security comes on, looks mean, stands behind them and the show goes on. It’s poetic in its execution.

All social commentary aside, it’s a great show to watch when you feel like crap and your life is going nowhere. You can sit and watch these dirty-vested, manky-faced dope-heads fight tooth and nail, and feel like a million¬†Euro. Even if YOU are sitting in a dirty vest with a manky face watching them and thinking ‘Ah lads, what a bunch of scumbags…’ You can still switch off, get dressed, head out and do your bit for mankind.

Wouldn’t you love to put Jeremy Kyle in the hot seat though? If any of the allegations about his personal life have any substance, I guarantee you’d have the best episode ever. All that separates him from his guests is an off-white tracksuit and a rough accent. There but for the grace of God go he…

About JayRow

Singer, songwriter, student radio broadcaster, teacher, commitment-phobe, depressive, loudmouth, Facebook obsessive, blogging addict, celebrity hassler, professional stalker, pipe dreamer, ambitious young thing!
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  1. Pingback: Jeremy Kyle | Wugez

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