Anatomy of a Super-Pub…

For me, when I go out on the town with my friends and take on the might of a jam-packed pub, I have just as much fun people-watching as I do hanging out with the gang and havin’ a boogie. So I  thought I’d do a breakdown of the type of people and things that make up a night in a typical big crowded pub in Limerick. It’s all for fun now remember; all letters of complaint will be shredded with nary a second glance…

The Ben Sherman Collective

These guys work hard. They play hard. Some have girlfriends, some are single. But one common bond binds them. Tonight, they’re on the lash. They watch out for each other, and apologise to the ladies on behalf of the one drunken eejit in their group who’s had the one that’s one too many. They take blurry pictures on their phones and holler like mad yokes when the DJ plays ‘Sex on Fire’. Here’s the thing though; they all look the same. God forbid if one breaks away from the group, there’d be no hope of finding him. From their haircuts (a blade 2 i reckon) all the way down to their Nikes, it’s all a blue checkered-shirt blur.

The Rowing Couple

These guys are great fun to watch. Chances are they’ve had an absolute humdinger of a row and one of them said something that was followed by ‘You SWORE you would never bring that up again..” But then their cab arrived and they had to go meet their friends. So now they stand around holding their drinks looking pointedly over the left shoulder of their ‘beloved’ to see if anyone else is as miserable as they are. They laugh extra loudly at the conversations around them, skilfully managing to get a wee dig in every now and again at their significant other. Towards the end of the night, there are one of two things that could happen: they get mouldy drunk and finish the row in public Jeremy Kyle style, or one of them says they’re going home early and the other can stay if they want. This second option is a test – you ALWAYS go home early with them. Anyone would tell you that.

The Crying Posse

So you have a group of girls out for the laugh, all legs and fake tan and heels that are too high. But a few Jager bombs later and one of them spots her ex over at the bar. My theory about Red Bull is that it convinces you that everything you think is a great idea. So over she goes, armed with the perfect thing to say to make him realise what a tool he was for letting her go, and when she gets there, all that comes out is ‘You’re an asshole!’. Then off she totters in her platform heels, tears streaming down her face. It’s a skill this girl has developed over time, that she can manage to walk drunkenly on elevated shoes, while crying, holding her hand over her eyes, and yet still find her group of friends in a crowded pub. But there’s another characteristic. She won’t just go back to their friends and tell her sorry tale. Oh no. She storms past her friends as if she never saw them because she was oh-so upset and can’t stand to be around a minute longer..and the friends play their part by following her in a line like ducklings with their mother going ‘Oh my God babes are you all right?? What happened??” It’s almost poetic in its orchestration.

The Creepy Door-Hugger Guy

Pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. This is the kind of guy who thinks a committed relationship is mauling the face off the same girl twice on the same night. He goes out with the intention of getting some sort of physical contact, and he’s found a system. Where people arrive and depart in droves, there will to be boobs to brush past. This guy’s point of reference for gentlemanly behaviour is The Todd from Scrubs. So there he stands, ever-so-slightly in the way of the main door, the toilet doors, or the main crush point of a bar. He’s been doing this so long the longest conversation he’s ever had on a night out starts and ends with “Sorry, can I just get past…excuse me, oops, whoah there…” In his mind, he’s scored loads that night. Quality.

The ‘Throw Enough Mud’ Girl

This is the gal who is out to bag herself a specimen one way or another tonight. Reasons vary – bad day at work, feeling a bit lonely, the friend she went out with has already found her special someone for the evening, or maybe she just watched ‘PS I Love You’ and feels entitled to a bit of lovin’. So off she goes, making countless trips to the loo and passing various groups of guys, trying to catch a pair of eyes in the hope of getting the green light. Usually ends up with Creepy Door Hugger Guy. It’s a match made in club heaven.

The Parolee

The one guy in a group of friends who has one hand on a pint and another cradling his mobile phone, constantly texting his girlfriend to reassure her he’s not wrapped up in the arms of some other floozy. He’s torn between what’s actually a great night out with his mates and the constant vibrating of the phone in his pocket interrupting the flow of conversation between him and his bro. His friends have given up on telling him to stop texting, instead they just exchange knowing looks and carry on having a laugh.

The ‘We Don’t Need A Man’ Dancers

Also known as The Dirty Dozen or the Desperados, this is a group of girls who are out on the prowl – despite their above title. They’re a ‘clever’ bunch who have realised that the best way to attract a man is to act like they’re having the time of their lives without one. Naturally this will make them shine like a beacon in the dark to all available suitors, and like moths to the flame these men will be drawn, thinking ‘Wow, that’s a really independent self-assured group of females over there – I definitely want to start a long-term relationship with one of them right now.’ Unfortunately this isn’t what is transmitted. With one eye on their handbags while dancing to Beyoncé’s ‘Single Ladies’ and the other on the men around them, they put on a spectacle that looks more like a hyperactive Tampax ad than anything else. More than likely to end up in a cosmic collision with the Ben Sherman collective at the end of the night, so who knows? Some may end up together long-term and re-emerge as The Rowing Couple to entertain all the people-watchers like me in a few years’ time.

So there you have it, a glimpse into what I see when I go out of an evening. It’s a busy life I lead you know. Who needs TV when people give us so much entertainment??

About JayRow

Singer, songwriter, student radio broadcaster, teacher, commitment-phobe, depressive, loudmouth, Facebook obsessive, blogging addict, celebrity hassler, professional stalker, pipe dreamer, ambitious young thing!
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