The Shit List…

Everyone has at least one of these. I have two. One for people, one for everything else. I’m going to share some of the things that made my non-people list, mostly because (a) I’m bored and (b) I was inspired to share after talking to my sister about things we hate. I’m sure some of these would make your list too. Sharing is caring…

Sideways rain

The mortal enemy of anyone who has ever owned an umbrella or a GHD. It’s the kind of sweeping rain that genuinely makes you feel as if it’s starting a fight with you. Like it mistook you for the girl who was flirting with its boyfriend and came up to you in the club all drunk and slap-happy. You feel victimised. It’s the injustice of this rain that’s the worst thing. You try to look around to see if it’s just you who’s getting hit in the eyes with sharp water pellets, but you can’t see, because it’s all up in your face. What a bitch.

Car alarms with no discernible pattern or rhythm:

Car alarms will always go off on a weeknight. At 3am. When you have an exam the next day. And it’s never because some thief tried to rob it. Nope. It’s because the cat from down the road tried to seduce the bonnet by landing on it and rolling around like an extra in a Whitesnake video. And if you have to get up at seven in the morning, it will only ever stop at 6.50am. Leaving you in tears with the shakes and the only thing you remember from your night’s cramming is the sound of a Ford Focus singing its way through the night.

Multi-directional wind

That only ever happens to me when I’ve just gotten my hair and make-up perfect. Between the front door and the car, a little tornado localised entirely in my front driveway will magic itself up, whoosh its way over to me and no matter what I do to avoid it, I get into my car as the tornado catches all my lovely styled hair, whips it around like candy floss, and I slump into my car looking like last place in a Diana Ross Drag Queen competition. Half my hair blown across my new lip gloss, some in my eyes, and, I am mortified to say, some caught in the car door. That was a bad day. I don’t want to talk about it any more.

Dodgy headphone cables

Even thinking about this now makes me want to claw my own face off in impotent rage. No matter how much I spend on headphones, I will always get the dodgy cables. You know the ones. Only when the length of the cable is in the shape of the first letter of the name of the fifth son of Elijah and facing towards the setting sun on the Summer Solstice will it be possible to get sound in both ear pieces. There is nothing more annoying to anybody who gives even half a crap about music than earphones where the sound comes and goes from one ear. Moving even a hair on your head can knock it completely out, so then you’re sitting there full of white anger, missing out on those awesome Pearl Jam guitar sounds that have been panned to specific speakers.

It’s not even me buying headphones. I did a simple experiment while on a long-haul flight back from New Zealand. My sister didn’t believe that I could have such bad luck with technology, having gone through three pairs on a previous flight before settling for one that wasn’t as broken as the rest. So we gave it another shot on our return journey home. FIVE pairs later, I sat back, glowing in my victory, and possibly from my increased blood pressure and rage bubbles that had built up in my soul.

Irish TV ads

That speaks for itself. This goes to a far deeper level with me though. In my humble opinion, Irish humour is best experienced live, off the cuff and mostly in conversation. I remember years ago seeing an Irish sitcom starring Ed Byrne, but the name escapes me…which says a lot as I retain an amount of useless information that would make Rain Man puke with jealousy. Anyway that ‘sitcom’ made me cringe in ways I could never explain without using the words ‘peel’ and ‘eyeballs’. Yet The Panel used to make me cry laughing, and Tommy Tiernan’s ‘Live’ is one of the finest stand-up albums of all time. Yes, I know they are scripted, but they’re still more organic than a sitcom written word-for-word, or in television advertisements that just aren’t funny. I don’t know why but they’re not. Some radio ads are great though. But still…

Michael Flatley’s accent*

Hey Flatley, pick a vowel sound and stick with it!

_________________

So, there you have it. Some of the things that have made my Shit List. I’m off to bed to fall asleep while listening to my iPod. On earphones that haven’t gone the way of their predecessors…yet. But when they do, you’ll hear me screaming through the sideways rain and multi-directional wind right into your living room.

*(Mr. Flatley himself is reserved for the People Shit List, but his accent was so annoying it warranted its own ranking.)

About JayRow

Singer, songwriter, student radio broadcaster, teacher, commitment-phobe, depressive, loudmouth, Facebook obsessive, blogging addict, celebrity hassler, professional stalker, pipe dreamer, ambitious young thing!
Bookmark the permalink.

2 Comments

  1. and you know what else, why do headphones even still have cables? Just to get ripped out of your ears every time you do anything. I’d say ipods need wireless headphones more than they need a touchscreen and internet.

  2. Oh Jenny – you got me thinking of the bane of my life – The Shit For Thanks Phenomenon or as Judge Judy says “no good deed goes unpunished”. Anyway I think I have it cracked….but that’s another story.. love your blog

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.