Adulthood: How Did I Get Here?

FECK OFF ADULTHOOD, I’M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS SHIT

Same as it ever was…

I dunno about you lot, but even though I’ve been a legal adult since I was 18, I didn’t feel anywhere remotely NEAR the concept of adulthood until about 12 years later. And even then, I had everything completely arseways. Not much has changed in that regard, bless my cotton / lycra blend mismatched socks.

These days, as I stare down the rusty barrel of my late thirties, I can’t help but feel like there’s been some kind of terrible, irreversible mistake. I’m too young to be my age! I still eat cake for dinner sometimes, for feck sake.

I have my own apartment and I’m lucky enough to be able to live on my own, which is fantastic. Not least because I don’t have anyone in my immediate vicinity with whom to compare levels of maturity. I’d probably be a hell of a lot more put-together if I had a housemate, lest they find out how bad I am at Adulting and try to get the authorities involved. As it stands, when I think about how I live in an apartment by myself, it’s less Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City and more Kevin McAllister in Home Alone.

I worry that my failure to be good at regular, everyday Adulting will impact on future relationships – particular if, by some sort of cosmic miracle, I end pairing off with a mature responsible male who’s WAY better at being a grown-up than me. Highly unlikely, but if God ever fancied making my life into a sitcom, then this would be the way to do it. The only way I cope with being the actual age I am is to wear my adulthood as a disguise, to be removed once the need for doing grown-up stuff subsides.

So, yeah. To me, Adulting feels like an outer persona I adopt, like some sort of very immature, developmentally arrested not-so-superhero. Instead of rescuing damsels in distress, my adult alter-ego pops up to rescue me from homelessness and starvation by paying my rent and doing my Big Shop online. It also saves me from my fucked-up brain chemistry by obtaining my prescription and filling it faster than a speeding bullet – most of the time. I also have an inner arch-nemesis who attacks me on that front, but that’s another blog post for another day. I’m not gonna lie guys, it’s pretty busy in the Brain of J-Ro.

I’m so bad at doing the essential run-of-the-mill grown-up stuff, that when I have to dip my toes into that dark serious world, it feels like a fucking novelty. Going to the Post Office to post a letter or some sort of important paperwork on time gives me the kind of rush usually reserved for someone on a bag of yokes at a 3-day rave. Paying my rent on time makes me positively ecstatic. Who needs great sex when you can cast your eyes around a spotless kitchen that smells of synthetic lemon-scented antibacterial wipes? NOT ME. Walking into my bedroom at the end of a long day pretending to be responsible and capable in the world, only to find that while getting into character, Adult Jen had made the bed and fluffed my pillows, nearly made me faint with joy.

There is a lot of comfort in knowing that many of my friends are the exact same. There’s certain people in my life who have a WAY better adult outer persona than Yours Truly; some of them even have mortgages, kids and full-time jobs. To be fair, I’m only barely disguising my complete and utter ineptitude at dealing with grown-up stuff; my hobo soul and pie-in-the-sky dreams of being a published author mean there’s a limit as to how much I’m actually fooling anyone. But when I get together with these friends, it’s game over for Real Life. Remember that terrifying scene in the movie of The Witches when they all remove their disguises once the doors are locked to reveal their true horrendous selves? It’s kind of like that, but instead of peeling off faces, the geeky sci-fi t-shirts emerge, the makeup gets theatrical, the in-jokes from years back are recited, the workday alarms are turned off. It’s like we’re The Goonies, but now we have the financial means and the legal age to get away with all the mad shit we really wanted to do when we were younger. My friends are the best.

Just wanted to put this in because THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME

However, this doesn’t stop the sneaky feeling that one day the other shoe will drop, and the Adulting Police will find me. Some fuddy-duddy funsucker will dial the Confidential Anti-Craic Hotline, drop my name, then my days will be numbered. I’ll be in the middle of eating cold pizza for breakfast on a Thursday morning while nursing a bastard gin hangover, and they’ll come crashing through the door, armed with brochures for sensible savings plans and some beige tapered-leg slacks with an elasticated waistband. They will use the best of technology to remove all traces of irony from all the Adulting Things I’ve been doing so I do them pure seriously. Through re-education, they will turn me into someone who is Genuinely Concerned about things like sticking to my weekly unit allowance for alcohol, and if I’m getting enough Folic Acid in my diet.

That day may come, readers. But I’m not going down without a fight. There’s too much gin, too much future regret over sent messages, and too much tattoo ink left in the world for me to surrender just yet. So onward we march, all us adult-looking fuckers who can now afford time-wise and money-wise to really appreciate what it’s like to be still full of the joys of the world and everything good in it.

Youth is wasted on the young? Fuckaway out of it. You haven’t met MY people….

 

 

 

Discomfort Eating

You know how I know how there’s no God? Comfort Eating. What a bullshit concept. There’s very little comfort in it, if you ask me.

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Ask J-Ro: A Bit Of A McQuandary…

My bf cancels our plans all the time just cos he doesn’t feel like it or wants to do sometime stupid together like go to McDonalds, so I guess I’m asking should make it look like an accident or suicide? Or just straight up chop his bollocks off?
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I’d go for the bollock-chop, personally. Unless he throws in the odd apple pie and hot fudge sundae while you’re paying a visit to Maccy D’s, but that’s just me.

Seriously though, why doesn’t he want to hang out with his girlfriend? Has he got some other idea of what a girlfriend actually is? If he keeps telling you he doesn’t feel like doing things with you, then I recommend you develop a case of not feeling like doing him. See how long this Sexican Stand-Off lasts with Mr De-Motivator, and I’m pretty sure he’ll come around fairly quickly. Either that, or he’ll have to get used to coming alone. The lazy fecker.

I’m sure you’re awesome, so he’s lucky you’ve deigned to stick with him. Make sure he knows it. Go forth and kick his apathetic arse!

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Ask J-Ro: A Few Good Men

I’m absolutely torn between two lovely guys. I know them both for years & I have such a great connection with each of them, I have the opportunity right now to be with either one of them (both have recently asked me to give it a go), which should be fantastic, but i cant decide which one, any tips?

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That’s a nice quandary to be in, albeit a tricky one! It’s really down to chemistry at this point, if all the things you tell me are true and equal to both guys. If all of the boxes are being ticked, it falls to whichever chap can deliver everything you need on a long-term basis. Can you see yourself with one more than the other? Is one more dependable? More secure in himself emotionally, financially, in other ways? It sounds like both are very good friends, so either way you will gain something lovely and keep another friendship. I would exercise caution in how you go about it, however. Just be mindful of the feelings of both guys whoever you choose. My tip would be; all other things being equal, go for the one who gives you the most butterflies. Whoever you choose, there will be a sight element of risk involved, but sometimes you have to just take a deep breath and dive in! Good luck 🙂

Ask J-Ro: Where Is The Love?

I’m head over heels with my guy. We’ve been together a year & now started talking about marriage. But I can’t keep him excited in bed, tho he has plenty of “privet time.” I’ve tried EVERYTHING. He swears he loves/wants me but we haven’t had sex in months. I love him but I also love sex. Advice?!

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Ooh, that’s a tough one. A year is a very short time to be with someone and having a dry spell in the bedroom department that lasts for months. That’s a considerable portion of your time together where you’re feeling rejected and unhappy and you have needs that aren’t being met. It definitely needs addressing with your fella. Your sex life and intimacy level can often reflect how your relationship is progressing, and if it’s non-existent, it’s worth further investigation.

What I find intriguing is that from what you’re saying, he’s got no problem meeting his own needs himself in private time? So he has a sex drive of sorts, but only on his own. It could be an intimacy issue he has or some internal worries that are preventing him from being intimate and loving with you. Masturbation, as well as a sexual release, is a way to relax and decompress without any burden of expectation on the part of an outside party, so I wouldn’t panic too much about that. What’s more important is why you guys aren’t talking with each other about something this fundamental. If he’s swearing that he loves and wants you, then if he’s plainly not wanting to be intimate with you and it’s gone on for months, you’re well entitled to ask for an explanation or at least get the ball rolling on some proper honest communication.

Normally if there’s a sudden lack of interest in sex from a partner, it could be that they’re under a lot of stress in other areas of their life. Stress and anxiety are the ultimate passion-killers, so have a think about whether you have noticed any changes in his behaviour in other areas of life. Are there financial concerns? Could he be depressed? Has he worries and fears about the relationship and where it’s going that he hasn’t spoken about? You guys are only together for a year and are talking about marriage, and that’s a big step. Have you guys really, honestly talked about it and what you want from each other in the long run? Sometimes when things move as fast as that, things tend to take on a life of their own and it can be hard to pump the brakes and really take a look at things to make sure you’re both on the same page.

Let’s tackle the other fear that may be flying around your brain: infidelity. The old “If he’s not getting it from me, he’s getting it somewhere else” cliché can rear its ugly head, but in this situation, I don’t know enough about the relationship to say that it could be a factor. Only your gut instinct and evidence will present that possibility. This would be my ‘last resort’ suggestion if you haven’t gotten any satisfaction (so to speak) with any of the above.

Bottom line: Talk it out. If he’s not willing to discuss it, then to me that’s a way bigger issue than a lack of sex. No point in talking marriage with someone who won’t communicate with you about any problems or concerns they’re having. That’s far too lonely a state to be in. Talk, listen, and face whatever comes.

Good Luck!