Not For The Faint Of Heart…

I just woke up from the most distressing nightmare.

I was at some sort of get-together at a family friend’s house and when it was time for the usual tea & sammitches I went to the crowded kitchen to get some grub and a hot beverage.

Over by the fridge some mucky-faced young wan was guzzling milk straight from the carton before handing it over for the tea, and a germy young fella with dirt-encrusted hands & fingernails started rifling through the only plate of sandwiches, manhandling each one & opening them up to see what filling they had, only to put them right back on the plate.

I woke up screaming. Food hygiene is nothing to joke about.

TRAUMATISED.

J-Ro Goes To Portland…Part 6

Meanwhile, the adventure continues…

The Monday of the trip was dedicated to only one thing: books, glorious books. Today, it was just me, my debit card, and Powell’s – the largest independent chain of bookstores in the world. And wouldn’t you know, it happens to be in Portland. Even better, so was I. My loins girded, I set off with the last of my data allowance on Google Maps to guide the way, and within a few minutes I was standing at the gateway to Nerd Nirvana:

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Click on the pic to head to my Instagram!

Now THIS is the best way to spend a Monday. Losing yourself in a bookstore like this is one of those natural antidepressants that should be used at least once a week for best results. You don’t need money, just wander through one in your locality, or if you’re abroad, keep the eyes peeled. They’re just magical. If you’re looking for a list of the coolest independent bookshops in the world, then click here to find out where these literary wonderlands exist.

Powell’s is just amazing. There’s so much to look at in there, I was briefly paralysed with sensory overload. I know myself, the visit I paid there on that Monday barely did it justice. I actually couldn’t bear to look everywhere, lest I collapse in a puddle of Want. I walked past the Graphic Novel section with my hands over my eyes chanting “NONONONONONONO” as I passed, because I knew my suitcases were already at the required rate, and I hadn’t even included the two bagfuls of books I was carrying at that precise moment to the register. I’m going to have to go back. I know this now.

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Sure who DOESN’T love those two things together? Follow me on Instagram: @_jayrow_

In addition to an absolute wonderland of literary delights, they also have a coffee shop within their hallowed walls, the clever bastards. So in between spending your entire wage packet and rainy day savings on all manner of books, you can sit and be refreshed with the finest of hot tasty beverages – and, this being Portland, there are many organic / artisan / hand-woven / wished-upon-a-star-spun-with-gossamer-warmed-with-the-thighs-of-a-virgin-handmaiden herbal chai mocha-frappo-lattes to choose from. At the very least, while you contemplate where your mortgage payment is coming from while looking at your newly-aquired pile of old and new publications, you won’t be thirsty. I’m not even counting the masses of tourist tack and souvenirs you have to wade through to get to the good stuff, or indeed the Portland-themed products (which I spent a good portion of my holiday money on) that tempt you from the stalls. Exercise caution, ladies and gentlemen. For, as Yeats once said, “Tread softly because you tread on my rent.” Or something like that.

I’ll leave you with a gif that gives me a tingle right in the literature. BOOKS, GLORIOUS BOOKS….TOUCH THEM…TOUCH THEM ALL…

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Ask J-Ro: Cocktails And Consequences

Hey Jen, Absolutely love you but wondering could you help. On a recent night out I really embarrassed a friend due to alcohol so much so he’s done with me and hates me. I’ve completely ruined our friendship which I can’t bare as I’ve had feelings for years (which he acknowledges) Idk what to do, help!

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Ah, the wonder of booze. What it gives in false confidence it takes away in caution and the ability to think ahead. I’ve been there, I feel your pain. It all really depends on what exactly happened, and how close you’ve been with this friend. Each friendship has its own dynamic and nuances, so it’s hard to tell exactly how it will pan out overall. You won’t be able to control or influence his reaction, so all you can do really is take responsibility for how you acted, and resolve never to get to that point with the booze again. Look, we’ve all done (and said) cringey mortifying things while under the influence, so don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m sure your friend has had a few of those nights himself, and when he cools down he might remember that…

If you haven’t already, I would suggest apologising to him, in person if possible. Keep it short and to the point. Just own what you did, let him know how much you value the friendship, say sorry and then leave it with him. You can do no more than that. Dust yourself off, forgive yourself, and move on. I can’t say whether he’ll come around, but at least you’ll have maintained your own integrity. People fuck up; that’s human nature. It’s how you come back from a mistake that shows what you’re made of. This was just a blip in your life. You’re not the sum of your mistakes, so just chalk it down to experience and reset your alcohol limit for future reference!

I hope your friend comes around and forgives you, but if he doesn’t, don’t force the issue with him. That will only torment you more and dig a deeper hole. Who knows? Time is a great healer, especially when it comes to embarrassing drunken antics! TRUST ME… 🙂

Best of luck, fingers crossed!

<3

How To Make A Hit Pop Song, The Jason Derulo Way

After many minutes of deep intensive research (I listened to the song online) I’ve worked out the way to make my fortune. Jason Derulo knows a thing or two about making wads and wads of dirty sweaty cash-money. So, for anyone who’s looking for that get rich quick solution to solve your financial problems, worry no more. I’ve got it sorted for you. Courtesy of that class act, Jason Derulo, here are the fool-proof steps to get the money AND the girls. So many girls, apparently. Here we go:

Watch the master at work by clicking here.

1. Find a lovely girl you’ve never met before and focus on her looks and body, telling her you know what ‘De girl dem need’.

2. Imply that your lap is the best chair in the world and she should sit on it. If she’s not weak with longing by now, you’re doing it wrong.

3. Tell her that her arse is so awesome, she doesn’t need to use her words to explain anything.

4. Shout out various airport departure destinations intermittently, in case she gets notions to start ruining the mood by, you know, letting her personality get in the way.

5. Only allow her to talk if it’s pure durrty.

6. Be stupid enough to think that lipstick stamps all over your passport won’t raise any questions at Passport Control.

7. Record with Middle Eastern-type exotic music sample and thumping beat, release and fly up the charts.

8. Now forever sleep on a bed of money. It’s uncomfortable, but that’s the life you’ve chosen as an international ladies’ man.

9. Seriously, can’t stress enough how much you have to randomly shout out capital cities, otherwise the poor girl won’t know you’re well-travelled. Roaring “Athlone to Mullingar” just doesn’t have the same effect. Believe me, I’ve tried.

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Jason Derulo: The Hodor of the song-writing world.