J-Ro Vs Brain, pt 8

Brain: “Remember that bit in Friends?”

Me: “That narrows it down, cheers. I hate you.”

Brain: “The bit where Jon Lovitz shows up at Monica’s apartment stoned out of his tree. Hilarious. I think I’ll play that on a loop for the next couple of hours.”

Me: “I’m off to stick my head in the microwave.”

Brain: “It’s HILARIOUS. Look, he’s throwing cereal around and laughing at the word ‘tartlets’. Genius. I’ve to watch it again.”

Me: “Why are you doing this? It’s 4.56am. That’s not even a real time. Nobody does anything at that time. Except fucking SLEEP. Or play Call of Duty.”

Brain: “You gave me four cans of Red Bull last night. YOU TELL ME, GENIUS. Oh, look, he said ‘tartlets’ again. I’m weak!!”

Me: “Dickhead.”

Brain: “Count yourself lucky I’m not looping drum n’ bass with Japanese speed metal right now….hee hee hee…TARTLETS!!”

J-Ro Vs Brain, pt 7

Brain: “Alarm’s gone off.”

Me: “Shurrup.”

Brain: “Seriously. It went off like two minutes ago. You need to get up.”

Me: “I know you speak English, because you’re essentially me. So I’ll say it again. Shurrup. I’ve hit the snooze button.”

Brain: “Get up. You’re going to be late. GET UP NOW.”

Me: “If it wasn’t going to be really sore for me I’d totally throw a shoe at you right now.”

Brain: “UP UP UP UP UP UP UP….”

Me: “I’m going to suffocate myself with the pillow. Nice knowing you.”

Brain: “I’m going to start listing off all the things in your life you should be worried about right at this very moment. Three…two…”

Me: “You wouldn’t d-”

Brain: “One. I’VE NOTHING TO WEAR TODAY IT’S REALLY COLD WHY CAN’T I FIND MY OTHER SHOE I CAN’T SEE WITHOUT MY GLASSES OH WAIT THERE THEY ARE IS THERE ANYTHING ON FACEBOOK GOD I’M THIRSTY OH WAIT I’VE ANOTHER IDEA FOR A BOOK OH WAIT IT’S GONE AGAIN I HOPE THE CREDIT CARD COMPANY DON’T CALL TODAY BUT YOU NEVER KNOW I THINK I NEED A HAIRCUT OH JESUS I’M SO FAT HANG ON I NEED TO PUT PETROL IN MY CA-”

Me: “Well played.”

Brain: “Cup of tea?”

Me: “Please.”

J-Ro Vs Brain, pt 6

Brain: “Did you lock your car?”

Me: “Yup.”

Brain: “You sure?”

Me: “Yes, I distinctly remember.”

Brain: “You mean ‘I’ distinctly remember…and I don’t.”

Me: “Don’t start this again. I definitely did.”

Brain: “Well that memory you’re thinking of could have been from the day before; I mean you don’t do anything out of the ordinary whenever you lock your car, do you?”

Me: “Of course not. What, you want me to sing a different song every time I put the key in the door?”

Brain: “It might help. You clearly don’t have a handle on the situation. Go out and check just to make sure.”

Me: “You’re supposed to be in my corner here. What’s your game? Why do you want me to leave the house and check on my car??”

Brain: “No reason…”

Me: “Tell me now or I’ll make you watch Hollyoaks. Back to back episodes. Full volume.”

Brain: “FINE I LEFT A FRY’S CHOCOLATE CREAM IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT…”

Me: “You’ve got problems.”

J-Ro Vs Brain, pt 5

Brain: “Oooh, who’s he?”

Me: “That’s Chris Hemsworth. He’s the guy who plays Thor in the new Avengers.”

Brain: “Can I have him?”

Me: “No, you can’t. That’s just a picture. He’s not actually standing here in front of me.”

Brain: “I NEED HIM TO MAKE LOVELY BABIES.”

Me: “Would you relax? We go through this every time. You did the same thing with Charlie Hunnam from Sons of Anarchy.”

Brain: “I can’t hear you. I’m busy going through the reasons why we would totally have a chance with Thor.”

Me: “Seriously. It’s never going to happen.”

Brain: “YOU CAN’T KNOW THAT!”

Me: “I really can. I’m not moving to LA anytime soon, and he’s never going to come to Kildimo to shoot a movie. There’s just the top two reasons it’ll never happen.”

Brain: “Five minutes. That’s all I need. I’m really funny, Superheroes dig that. I must marry him. You owe it to your genetics. COME ON.”

Me: *sigh*

Brain: “Better get typing on that “Thor 3: Escape From Kildimo” screenplay I’m about to launch up in here…”

Me: “I swear to God, if you don’t stop these weekly lunches with Ovaries and Uterus I’m going to consider some drastic surgeries.”

Brain: “THOR MAKE GOOD BABIES…”

Me: “Shut up.”

J-Ro Vs Brain, pt 4

Me: “Right, what’ll I wear today?”

Brain: “Let’s see. How about that black thing, matched with that other black thing, with some black leggings and a scarf? You know, for a change.”

Me: “Not a morning person, are we?”

Brain: “Why do you even ask my opinion anyway? I suggest lots of lovely things, and yet you always go for the same theme.”

Me: “What theme?”

Brain: “Slightly-Out-Of-Shape-Burglar.”

Me: “Asshole.”

Brain: “What are you gonna do about it? Feed me more pretzels until I get thirsty again?”

Me: “Nope….”

Brain: “Hang on a second. Put those headphones back. What are you doing? I’m sorry. I SAID I’M SORRY!! GAAAAAAH!!”