Brain: “Oh. My. God.”
Me: “What?? What is it??”
Brain: “For a split second there I had this glimpse of a thought that was so revolutionary and life-changing, it would have brought us a lifetime supply of unforgettable moments of pure ecstasy.
It is summed up thus: the true meaning of life is d-”
Me: “YUSS! ROMANCING THE STONE IS ON TV RIGHT NOW!”
Brain: *thought evaporates*
“Shit just got real.”
Brain: “How are you Jen?? Been a while since we talked…”
Me: “The grandest. Apart from the nagging feeling that we are all essentially just lumps of carbon and water in varying shapes and sizes, bestowed with a limited number of days on this giant ball of crap. We struggle daily to engage – and compete with – other carbony watery lumps to leave some sort of lasting print on this pissy little planet before we all evaporate into an abyss of nothingness. We are forgotten in a miniscule amount of time relative to the existence of everything ever, only to be replaced by other lumps pretty much the same as us. And so it shall go on, ad infinitum. Hope, love, happiness…these are all man-made constructs designed by those above who seek control to keep us from destroying ourselves within seconds of becoming self-aware. For fear that we would gain even the smallest fraction of understanding that at the heart of it all, in the grand scheme of things, we, and all that we believe to be connected to us, are nothing.”
Brain: “Left the phone at home again did we?”
Me: “IT’S LIKE I HAVE NO HANDS…”
We’re all in this together… *sniff*
Brain: STOP WRITING.
Me: Why? What now?
Brain: Check your Facebook.
Me: I just did, five minutes ago. Leave me alone. I’ve things to do.
Brain: Five minutes? FIVE MINUTES? That’s seven years in facebook time. You could have missed so much! Any longer and you’ll be like Rip Van Winkle, wandering around your page, asking what a meme is, not knowing what Guardian articles are trending…not having a notion what music video to put up on your page to seem cool and down with the kids any more… think of all the ‘likes’ you could have gotten in that time…
Me: You know YOU’RE the reason I’m not published right now, right??
Brain: ALL THE ‘LIKES’…..
Brain: “Stop yawning.”
Me: “Stop making me yawn.”
Brain: “Dunno what you’re talking about. I’m busy trying to name the Best Supporting Actor Oscar winners for the last fifteen years.”
Me: “That’s what’s making me yawn! I’ll be asleep in minutes as this rate. I’m off to bed.”
Brain. “I just want you to get a good night’s sleep. It’s good for both of us.”
Me:. “Good. I’ve a really long busy week ahead, I need all my rest. Well, goodnight so.”
Brain: “Okay, nighty night. Sleep well.”
Me: “Really? That’s it? No fight?”
Brain: “Nope. Like you said, you need your sleep. I’m good like that sometimes.”
Me: “Great! Well, talk to you in the morning so..”
Brain: “Will do.”
Brain: Just try not to think about that bathroom scene from The Grudge.
Me: I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
You’re welcome. Each and every one of you.
Brain: “Whatcha doin’?”
Me: “You KNOW what I’m doing. It was your idea.”
Brain: “It was really more of a suggestion than an order.”
Me: “No… it was most definitely an order. More of a threat actually.”
Brain: “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. You’re just tired.”
Me: “You told me that if I didn’t rearrange all three years of my college notes in chronological order AND according to subject before I went to bed last night, that my degree would be null and void. So I stayed up until half four this morning. HALF FOUR.”
Brain: “What do I know? I can only work with what you give me. You’re not the most logical of people, you know.”
Me: “Have you ever heard of OCD?”
Brain: “Yes, I have actually, smartarse. I’m not a fan. I hear their last album was shit.”
Me: “Are you being sarcastic?”
Brain: “I don’t know anymore. Do you?”
Me: “I’m going to start watching Teen Mom until everything is quiet again…”